He Is Risen...

...yet why the not-so-quiet discord in my heart?

Not my favorite Easter this year, but it's hard to put my finger on it.

Some of it is disgust of the commercialism of holiday, everything from the focus on big Easter dinners to the Easter bunny to Jesus action figures (we turned down the one Emily was given).

Some of it was family stuff - drama and feeling like an outsider on one end to be incredibly homesick and withdrawn on the other.

And I guess the rest of it is personal. I'm discontent with my own relationship with Christ, that I've allowed mediocrity and "acting religious" to creep in. I could blame a variety of things - our environment in the Bible belt probably being the biggest one I could point to, but in reality, it's me and I have to be accountable for my own actions (or lack-thereof). *sigh* So I struggle with self-blame, again. I hate being a perfectionist; I hate feeling like a failure. I already beat myself up when my performance at work isn't up the standard I've set for myself, or when I missed my first milestone of Emily's when she pulled herself up to her feet earlier this week or when Jonathan and I go to bed angry at each again. I hate that I am only human and can't do it all on my own.

However, what would my need for Christ and His resurrection be if I could do everything on my own?

Zilch.

There's always a reason for everything, and maybe all the building up of the last few weeks is pointing to that - I can't. I simply can't. I will not be the perfect wife. I will not be the world's best mother. I will not always be one of the top producers for our company.

I hope I find freedom in that.